I No Longer Believe In What I Want

I want a family more than anything.

People or even one person who’s literally or even figuratively by my side forever, supporting me and what I pursue, loving me no matter how I change throughout my life.  Not trying to control or alter that growth, but watching me choose, and coming along wherever those choices take me.  There during the hard times, to remind me of how far I’ve come; and they know it too, because they’ve seen it with their own eyes…..

I no longer believe this is possible for me.

There absolutely are people whom I love that love me too, and because of what they have done, whether it was sending me a Facebook message or taking me in: I wouldn’t be here without them.

I am not writing this to discredit anything that others have done for me — in fact, those that have helped are all the more incredible, as their acts of love weren’t due to familial obligation — I just need to change my mindset; what it is that I wish for.

For a long time, I was hoping someone would make me a part of their family.  When I moved out here, I thought that was the case, that I was being taken in by a family, who had referred to me as their fourth daughter.  They would let their children stay with them as long as they needed, continuing to love them even after they moved out. I assumed that the same offer was being extended to me.  It wasn’t; I was asked to leave, and haven’t heard from them since.

I can’t be upset, because taking me in at all was kind.  In that time, I was able to find my footing in a new city, I was well fed, and it was a brief period where I wasn’t alone.  I am grateful.

My mistake was in assuming.  Assuming how long I could stay, and that calling me their forth daughter meant their love would last.  I assumed I had found my family.  And it was that assumption that made it hurt.

I made the mistake, once again, of thinking a family had decided to keep me.   I need to let that go.  I can still be grateful for any piece of love, without hoping it’ll come again.

It’s not like anyone promised to love me forever.

Well.

A few did.  Three promised they were my family.  To be here for the ride, never letting go.

This year they all let go.  And they were joined by others; I’ve lost about a person a week since I was in the hospital. And I can’t feel betrayed, as they were kind enough to shared their love with me at one point.

Still I was crushed.  I still am. 

And in order to prevent hurting again as much as I have this year, I have to stop trying to fit into people’s families, or taking people in as my own.  I can still love and be loved, but I can’t rely on that love always being here.

So no more wishing for a family, or a guardian angel to come along and magically make my life easier.  I’ve been on my own for six years now; and I need to accept that it isn’t going to change.  Just like my Crohn’s Disease isn’t going to go away, my familial circumstances aren’t either.  I have to accept that this battle is mine to fight alone, and if I fail, it’s only on me to fix it.

In some ways this will make me appreciate love even more. When I stumble upon help or love I’ll be endlessly grateful; but I won’t be shocked when that love moves on.  I won’t feel as crushed as I was when I lost my family.

Fortunately, it’ll be a long time before I see someone that way again.

My Life is Changing

I’ve lost a lot since being sick, and have had a lot of time to think about what matters to me and why I’m still fighting.  It’s not art.  I thought it would be.  I thought that being in this city to pursue what I’ve been working towards my whole life would be the reward.  But it’s not.  I’m not finding student films to audition for, nor writing screenplays as I am on bedrest: Instead I’m dying to jump into someone’s arms.  To spend time with people that love me.  To make scarves and crafts for the people I love.  Anything to show them how much they matter to me.  People are everything, I’m realizing, and I’m willing to give up anything to be with them.  More than any career, I want people to love, and it’s terrifying to release myself from a goal that I’ve had for over a decade, but it’s also a relief to know what I really want.  And that’s a family.

So I’m not saying I’m going to go out and get pregnant and raise a bunch of spawn to feel loved, but rather I’m willing to make changes to my life to be with those that I still have left.  Because this has been some of the hardest months of my life (and I haven’t had the easiest of lives) and those that are still here, willing to hold my hand and listen to me as I cry, they are more important to me than any possible career.

I don’t exactly know what this means: I still only know how to express myself in writing and feel more connected to acting than anything I’ve ever found.  But I would rather have a life without artistic success but people that I love, than achieve success alone.

So we’ll see what the future brings.

Tomorrow I move to a new home, one that I never planned on having, without the people I thought I would live with.  So I’ll see how it fits into my future. In the meantime, I know  I am willing to do whatever it takes to keep in my life those that I love, though I don’t know yet what that means….or if that’s enough not to lose them.  But I have to hope it is.

So change is happening and change will continue to come.  But if it brings me closer to those that I love, then I have to love change, too.

image by Tobias Tovera

Still Celebrating

I went to lunch today with one of my best friends parents; they've seen me transform over the last twelve years and I feel honored to have them reminding me of how much I have changed and accomplished. Moreover, they have become my family, and have been rigorously following all of what's been going on with me medically; thus it was such a treat to be able to eat today, and to get to spend that meal with them. 

I am so full of love for this incredible duo, who bring nothing but light to this earth. I feel honored to have grown in their sunshine. 

I Am In Awe

I woke up this morning in awe.

First for good humans.  I started a GoFundMe yesterday (finally acknowledging that I need help with everything that I am facing), and it hasn’t even been 24 hours and I’m almost a third of the way to my goal.  And this is you!  You beautiful and kind souls that are reading my words, caring about my stories and my smiles.  I can’t stop crying happy tears that you are in my life.

I’ve spent so much of my adulthood trying to prove myself as a good human: one that gives more to the world than I take….and for this much kindness to be sent to me, both towards the campaign, but also very much in your words of courage and support….it means I’m doing it.  

Your love means I can be proud of who I have become: because to receive this much warmth…I must be doing something right.  

And I really do love you all so very much.  There have been times when the word “family” made me sad-cry; as if it were a word a language that I wasn’t allowed speak.  Like I was an outsider to the concept of a family, and that I never would achieve actually having one.  

But now, especially after my last hospitalization, with everyone who read my story and reached out and sent their love….when I hear the word “family,” I now think of all of you.  

And so I cry cathartic tears of fulfillment and gratitude, in spite of the hardship that I face.

So thank you for that validation, your love, and granting me the courage to continue.

As for awe number two:

I am exactly where I need to be.  I moved to this city to pursue TV & film, and ultimately my goal of using art to give people hope in being alive.  I have a weird history with this city (one that would require a much longer post), but my mantra has always been not to let my circumstances limit me.  So I came here for a fresh start.  It’s been a crazy start, but in the hospital I got to see the sunrise each morning, and saw it as an opportunity each day to heal and grow closer towards my dreams. 

So when I saw the sunrise this morning, far, far from that tiny hospital window, I saw it as an even greater beginning; one as vast as the pink sky itself.  As if my new life were greeting me today with arms full of love and opportunity.

So my friends, my loves, my family.  I am here.  Full of gratitude for you and where I am today.

And I am SO happy to be alive.  So stay tuned, because I think we’re in for a great ride.

my reaction to the GoFundMe:

and today's sunrise