I No Longer Believe In What I Want

I want a family more than anything.

People or even one person who’s literally or even figuratively by my side forever, supporting me and what I pursue, loving me no matter how I change throughout my life.  Not trying to control or alter that growth, but watching me choose, and coming along wherever those choices take me.  There during the hard times, to remind me of how far I’ve come; and they know it too, because they’ve seen it with their own eyes…..

I no longer believe this is possible for me.

There absolutely are people whom I love that love me too, and because of what they have done, whether it was sending me a Facebook message or taking me in: I wouldn’t be here without them.

I am not writing this to discredit anything that others have done for me — in fact, those that have helped are all the more incredible, as their acts of love weren’t due to familial obligation — I just need to change my mindset; what it is that I wish for.

For a long time, I was hoping someone would make me a part of their family.  When I moved out here, I thought that was the case, that I was being taken in by a family, who had referred to me as their fourth daughter.  They would let their children stay with them as long as they needed, continuing to love them even after they moved out. I assumed that the same offer was being extended to me.  It wasn’t; I was asked to leave, and haven’t heard from them since.

I can’t be upset, because taking me in at all was kind.  In that time, I was able to find my footing in a new city, I was well fed, and it was a brief period where I wasn’t alone.  I am grateful.

My mistake was in assuming.  Assuming how long I could stay, and that calling me their forth daughter meant their love would last.  I assumed I had found my family.  And it was that assumption that made it hurt.

I made the mistake, once again, of thinking a family had decided to keep me.   I need to let that go.  I can still be grateful for any piece of love, without hoping it’ll come again.

It’s not like anyone promised to love me forever.

Well.

A few did.  Three promised they were my family.  To be here for the ride, never letting go.

This year they all let go.  And they were joined by others; I’ve lost about a person a week since I was in the hospital. And I can’t feel betrayed, as they were kind enough to shared their love with me at one point.

Still I was crushed.  I still am. 

And in order to prevent hurting again as much as I have this year, I have to stop trying to fit into people’s families, or taking people in as my own.  I can still love and be loved, but I can’t rely on that love always being here.

So no more wishing for a family, or a guardian angel to come along and magically make my life easier.  I’ve been on my own for six years now; and I need to accept that it isn’t going to change.  Just like my Crohn’s Disease isn’t going to go away, my familial circumstances aren’t either.  I have to accept that this battle is mine to fight alone, and if I fail, it’s only on me to fix it.

In some ways this will make me appreciate love even more. When I stumble upon help or love I’ll be endlessly grateful; but I won’t be shocked when that love moves on.  I won’t feel as crushed as I was when I lost my family.

Fortunately, it’ll be a long time before I see someone that way again.

Grief, Guilt and Gratitude

            Few things feel as futile as having friends get mad at you over text message.

And before I continue, I just want to say that this isn’t a passive aggressive post about anyone in particular; it’s just me discussing something I’ve experienced with many people over the last year.

            I don’t know why I’ve lost so many friendships in the last 365 days. 

            It could be that five years on the east gave me a different energy from the west, making us incompatible.  And then it could be that this year on west coast soiled my east coast aura. 

            Perhaps it’s that I’ve made serious judgements about where I am and where I need to be, and perhaps some friends falsely assume that they are the source of the negative realizations.  

            Maybe I’ve changed into someone meaner than I used to be, unintentionally pushing away those that are trying to help.  Or maybe being sick required more of my friends than they wanted to take on.

            Potentially I’m not clear enough in what I need; or potentially I’m too clear in what I expect.

            It may be that I didn’t give back enough to those that I love; or it may be that I love my friends more than they can handle.

            It’s possible that people expected me to be stronger than I’ve been, or it’s possible that my determination could be seen as stubbornness rather than strength.  

            All I know is that I’m an outsider, who’s ready to move again, trying to be low maintenance, certain of what I need from my friends, prepared to love them unconditionally, and trying to regain my strength after a really rough year.

            And somehow something in that has caused me to lose a lot of those that I love.

            And these texting fights are like trying to have a conversation in the middle of a musical number.  The orchestra is set to play on no matter what happens, the rhymes have been decided, the key has already determined the mood, and I have a strict time constraint in which I must blurt out my responses.  I am not in control, the outcome has already been decided; there is a musical theme introduced at the beginning of the conversation that continues until the finale and the final curtain of our friendship.  I wish instead to take my time, like a chess game consider every possible response, with the lowered stakes of trying to figure out which door on the right is a friend’s bathroom.  But that is not the setting.

            And when the music starts, I don’t know how to win.  Arias of sadness and mistreatment are being belted at me; and at that point, how can I interject?  It’s already their number, their objective is decided, and no attempt at harmony can change what they hear as discordant.

            And so I lose another member of my cast, and have to sing on a little bit louder now.

            I don’t blame people for leaving.  I’ve lost enough in my life, and gained enough too, to know that the resentment only drains me in the end.  I know that my life is more complex than most, that my stories can seem to overshadow others’ hardship, and that anyone in my life, no matter how much I love them, can leave indefinitely.  I don’t have a blood family, but I’ve borrowed people’s parents, always knowing that they weren’t fully mine yet loving them fully; and then I’ve gone years without speaking to them.  And to be upset would somehow imply that they did more harm than good.  But I am grateful for the love that has been shown to me, I have never for a moment taken that for granted.  

            Even when I feel alone, that doesn’t mean that I’ve stopped caring for the moments that other’s were there.  It’s like a social appetite.  Even if I had a big breakfast, I can still be hungry for dinner.  And that doesn’t mean that I didn’t appreciate breakfast, nor would’ve been better off without it.  It just means that I need little more.  And since my appetite can be bigger than those that have a consistent family to lean upon, sometimes I might go hungry.

            It’s a solitude that I have embraced.  It was the price of my freedom when I emancipated myself from an abusive relationship six years ago; a decision I haven’t regretted for a single second.

            I’ve made peace with who I am; with my different personality, different outlook on life, different obstacles and different circumstances.

            It’s only when I lose someone that I question who I’ve become.  In the realm of social appetite, it’s like turning allergic to a favorite food.  “What happened?  Was it something I did?  Could it have been avoided?” I ask, and yet once that allergy has been detected, it’s too late and that friend almost never comes back.

            I’m very susceptible to what my friends say about me.  The opinions of people that I don’t like me float away, but when a loved one sees me in such a negatively light?  I no longer believe in who I thought I was.

            I never deliberately try to lose anyone.  So it can feel unfair, that they don’t  understand, like I don’t deserve the words they are firing at me.  But I grew up without being allowed to have opinions.  So I turn to my friends and ask if it really is my fault.  Only then do I trust that there isn’t a fatal flaw within me that poisons every one of my relationships.  And yes, there is a part of me that is terrified at what I would do when that last friend leaves; to whom I would ask “was this really my fault?”

            But this is not my reality.  This when I remind myself of those that still love me.  That though I’ve cried at yet another end-ship aria, my stomach pained with guilt and social starvation, that still there are those that love me.  And yes, maybe their song will one day come, but they love and know me now, and there’s no need to mourn what is still alive.

            So though it hurts to lose those that I’ve loved and I’ll never not miss them being in my life, that doesn’t mean that I have to starve myself from upbeat friendships that I have left.