Yes, It Was Sunny

I am so in love.
    With a city.

I went back to Philly for the first time in almost a year, and I am so happy. I was there for just for a day and a half, but I feel more alive than I have in awhile.

Monday night I saw eight friends in four hours and got $1 tacos and good beer.  Yesterday was a whirlwind of hugs and love, and I was able to connect with about two dozen people.  Two dozen. 

I forget that I've loved that many people; and with each one, there was still an effortless connection.  Whether that's asking about their growing families, artistic endeavors, or pets...I remembered a piece of everyone's essence, and I realized how beautiful they all are to have shared so much with me.  Plus anyone that picks you up and swings you around when they hug you is a definitely keeper.

Leaving for LA was a bold move, and the realization that I was happier where I had been was one of the most difficult ones I've faced.  So to know that almost two years later my Philly folk still hold so much love for me...it's the closest I've felt to having a family in a long, long time.
And being around those who were my community reminded me of my purpose; to them, to our little world there, and to the bigger one outside.  I know a little more about the person I am going to be.

I absolutely cannot wait to visit again.

(Plus the metallic nails, strawberry-lavender donuts, and perfect weather definitely doesn't hurt.)

I Am In Awe

I woke up this morning in awe.

First for good humans.  I started a GoFundMe yesterday (finally acknowledging that I need help with everything that I am facing), and it hasn’t even been 24 hours and I’m almost a third of the way to my goal.  And this is you!  You beautiful and kind souls that are reading my words, caring about my stories and my smiles.  I can’t stop crying happy tears that you are in my life.

I’ve spent so much of my adulthood trying to prove myself as a good human: one that gives more to the world than I take….and for this much kindness to be sent to me, both towards the campaign, but also very much in your words of courage and support….it means I’m doing it.  

Your love means I can be proud of who I have become: because to receive this much warmth…I must be doing something right.  

And I really do love you all so very much.  There have been times when the word “family” made me sad-cry; as if it were a word a language that I wasn’t allowed speak.  Like I was an outsider to the concept of a family, and that I never would achieve actually having one.  

But now, especially after my last hospitalization, with everyone who read my story and reached out and sent their love….when I hear the word “family,” I now think of all of you.  

And so I cry cathartic tears of fulfillment and gratitude, in spite of the hardship that I face.

So thank you for that validation, your love, and granting me the courage to continue.

As for awe number two:

I am exactly where I need to be.  I moved to this city to pursue TV & film, and ultimately my goal of using art to give people hope in being alive.  I have a weird history with this city (one that would require a much longer post), but my mantra has always been not to let my circumstances limit me.  So I came here for a fresh start.  It’s been a crazy start, but in the hospital I got to see the sunrise each morning, and saw it as an opportunity each day to heal and grow closer towards my dreams. 

So when I saw the sunrise this morning, far, far from that tiny hospital window, I saw it as an even greater beginning; one as vast as the pink sky itself.  As if my new life were greeting me today with arms full of love and opportunity.

So my friends, my loves, my family.  I am here.  Full of gratitude for you and where I am today.

And I am SO happy to be alive.  So stay tuned, because I think we’re in for a great ride.

my reaction to the GoFundMe:

and today's sunrise

A Glance Through the Window into My World