Coping With PTSD

Sometimes our inner animal shows.
Obviously I'm more prey than predator. I'd definitely eat berries and grass and be very fast and gentle.

Other people are vicious, meaning deliberately cruel or violent. The kind that would play with their food before they killed it, enjoying their fear.

Someone gestured at me like they were going to strangle me. They weren't actually going to, they may not have even been physically capable of it, but they reminded me vaguely of my abuser and the violence is what put me past the point of control.

I traded places with someone else, or as the person phrased it "I ran away."
That is the eyes of a predator searching for their pray.

Some people going through this world tackling and conquering to get their ways; not realizing that kindness will take them as far if not rather, not to mention it feels better emotionally and physically as well.

But what irks me is when they see self preservation as fleeting. In animal terms, I was protecting myself from a creature that wanted to eat me.  And they saw it as feeing shamefully. They did not say this, but that is the connotation associated with running away.

Personally I hate when people view the world as theirs to control. Who stomp on everyone and consider those they hurt to be weak.
I do not know if this person had such a view, for I am triggered currently, causing the preciously associated the flavors of my trauma to mix with this reminiscent being.  Like how Earl Grey smells like fruit loops so it reminds you of their taste as well.

So here I am, in a dark corner shaking. Listening to music and hiding. Like I had to do for most of my adolescence if I wanted to escape and feel safe. Hidden. Protected by the object forest surrounding me.
I haven't been in danger for almost seven years now, and yet one angered gesture brings me back to this place.

It's like an emotional Tardis, bringing me right back to where I was so many moons ago.

Two years ago, I would've gone home. Today I'll be fine. I have learned the tricks to teach my brain that I am safe. I have a cup of water. An ice pack. Stones and music. I'm not near anyone else, because even a hand on my shoulder would make me jump.
I am grateful to be able to find a spot in this busy city where I'm not surrounded by hundreds of others.
I am writing. I am breathing.

I am terrified, though I know I am in no real danger. It's only my demons haunting me now.
I am safe.

This just needs to get out of my system, like the flu.
I just wish people understood mental health they way they do physical.
That said I will get through this. I'll count to ten like Kimmie Schmidt (who very notably also has PTSD) and eventually feel like me again.

I see where I am, I am aware of the stress, and I will not let it keep me here.

Today Was Actually a Good Day

I had the day off today.  I got to sleep in for an adequate amount of time, but didn't have to choose between rest and being alive (my body wants to sleep 16 hours a day and that's just not possible to do while also having time to be a human).

I went to get two of my nails fixed (somehow those broke off) and the kind guy at MJNails (go there!) did it for free because I had been there just last week.  And when I in a panic mentioned that I didn't have any cash on me for a tip, he very simply said it's fine and next time.  It seemed he honestly hadn't thought of it, he really was just being giving.

Moving on to other kind souls, I went to a doctor's where I haven't had the time to go recently.  It's a place that does acupuncture, massage and chiro all in the same office, so there are a lot of friendly people who work there, and that's always part of the treat.  It's been about a month since I had the time and energy for an appointment and I'm grateful I did.

After that I headed over to a pet store to get just a single lightbulb for Spencer.....and of course I purchased $35 worth of hermit crab treats.  It only cost me $23, however, because the kind fella to whom I asked sooo many many crab questions and told even more stories - found a way to give me a major discount.  He knew so little of my story, and still decided to help :) He also could tell that I'm a writer (lately everyone can tell I'm an artist and it's very reaffirming) and also...when I was inquiring about the food they feed their hermit crabs and sheepishly asked if I could have a sample to see if Spence likes it....he came out with a big tub of their food and just GAVE IT TO ME.

I'm just in awe.  Good people.  There are good people in the world who want to help make life easier.
This is the world I wanted.
I grew up with an angry woman.  She was mean to everyone but blamed it on everyone else being awful.  I remember the first time I went somewhere alone and how easy it was to have kind interactions when you are kind to everyone.  I decided then that that's who I would be, and that that's the kind of world I want to live in.

And at least for this one day, I lived in that harmonious world.

I also had to take an über back to get home safely, and my driver was a clever and worldly man from Germany, and it was so incredible to talk about Europe and share what I learned from being abroad and hearing a native's opinion on some of my observations.  I miss traveling and different cultures and people so different that I can't even imagine something as simple as their daily routines.....and it was such a treat to end the night with a reminder of how important that is to me and a taste of what I've been missing.

So I would call that a good day.  (....finally)

Hitting the Road Again...

So I think I am cursed.

I thought the other day was a great day.  My new neighborhood is safer and because of that I can finally explore again.  There are great things in a ten minute walk in any direction.  I also love that I am basically neighbors with the studios that house my dream job; if I can see it from my window, them maybe I can actually end up there.  I’m also closer to work, my doctors, and my friends; which all equates to a healthier life.

So this was how I started my Tuesday.

And yet it ended by wondering if I am too broken of an individual to not cut everyone I touch with my jagged edges…  In under a day, my new roommate decided that I’m not worth getting to know and that she would rather break our lease than work together to create a peaceful living environment.

I hate having to acknowledge this, (as I don’t think it’s a constraint worthy of how this situation has unfolded,) but my PTSD was triggered by her that night, but like any physical injury, it just requires a little bit of time to heal.  For instance, if you twisted your ankle, you need to sit down for moment to let it rest, and then it’s better.

I just needed to sleep on it and then I knew I’d feel better the next morning.

Instead I woke up to a message that had escalated the situation beyond something that could be resolved.

I’m still trying to remedy the situation, like I have been doing constantly for the last four months….but my circumstances seem to only get more and more impossible.

And now I’m sitting here worrying that there’s something wrong with me for having yet another ailment that I didn’t choose, that’s now altering my chance at happiness.

So I am looking for another place to live, again….and in doing so I think I have burned the bridges that I have left and I don’t know where to turn for help.  I didn’t choose this.  I didn’t want this to happen.  I thought by hiding in my room I would be avoiding any chance of this happening.

I’ve lost so much since all of this started.  I’m tired of everything being this hard.  If I knew how to give up, I would.  

I’ve just faced so much physical and emotional pain.  I don’t know how to heal back into something that can be fixed.