Spencer is TWO!

Today is my little crab’s birthday.

My little bug is two.  Two whole years with this little one.  I couldn’t be more grateful for the time I’ve had with this little crab.  I’ve been preparing for his birthday for a few months now, giving him pre-birthday treats along the way because you never know with these pets.  In the wild they can live for decades, in captivity it could be months, so you really don’t know how long you’ll have together. 

Of course that’s terrifying, but at some point the fear becomes customary enough that you can think about what it really means.  I live in the present with this crab.  Who knows what tomorrow will bring so I might as well enough now as much and as fully as possible.  And all I want in life is someone consistent to love, so it’s been a joy to spoil this little crab.

He has three water dishes (purified, salt and electrolyte), two sponges, two food dishes (he keeps outgrowing them), currently he has four extra shells in his tank (but we’ve definitely been through at least a dozen), a climbing branch, his hermie hut (half a coconut with a carved out entrance), a humidity gage and temperature gage, a humidifier and heat lamp, two kinds of food, two kinds of dirt, and a giant plastic tree (the one he was in when he was missing), 

So what else is there to get him for his birthday?

- A new kind of food

- A new shell

- Organic maple wood rings that I’ve read they like to chew

- TWO reptile hammocks

- An extra sponge

- And a new food dish (which is glass so it’ll be easy to clean and he can’t get too big for it and I’ll be able to hear when he’s eating and clawing for more food) 

We also have activities: a photo-opp with the three little hats I made for him, as well as an art project: I got acid-free, non-toxic, pens and I’m going to tape them to him and have him walk across canvas for special Hermit Crab Art.  It’ll be great once my nocturnal bug wakes up.

Today Was Actually a Good Day

I had the day off today.  I got to sleep in for an adequate amount of time, but didn't have to choose between rest and being alive (my body wants to sleep 16 hours a day and that's just not possible to do while also having time to be a human).

I went to get two of my nails fixed (somehow those broke off) and the kind guy at MJNails (go there!) did it for free because I had been there just last week.  And when I in a panic mentioned that I didn't have any cash on me for a tip, he very simply said it's fine and next time.  It seemed he honestly hadn't thought of it, he really was just being giving.

Moving on to other kind souls, I went to a doctor's where I haven't had the time to go recently.  It's a place that does acupuncture, massage and chiro all in the same office, so there are a lot of friendly people who work there, and that's always part of the treat.  It's been about a month since I had the time and energy for an appointment and I'm grateful I did.

After that I headed over to a pet store to get just a single lightbulb for Spencer.....and of course I purchased $35 worth of hermit crab treats.  It only cost me $23, however, because the kind fella to whom I asked sooo many many crab questions and told even more stories - found a way to give me a major discount.  He knew so little of my story, and still decided to help :) He also could tell that I'm a writer (lately everyone can tell I'm an artist and it's very reaffirming) and also...when I was inquiring about the food they feed their hermit crabs and sheepishly asked if I could have a sample to see if Spence likes it....he came out with a big tub of their food and just GAVE IT TO ME.

I'm just in awe.  Good people.  There are good people in the world who want to help make life easier.
This is the world I wanted.
I grew up with an angry woman.  She was mean to everyone but blamed it on everyone else being awful.  I remember the first time I went somewhere alone and how easy it was to have kind interactions when you are kind to everyone.  I decided then that that's who I would be, and that that's the kind of world I want to live in.

And at least for this one day, I lived in that harmonious world.

I also had to take an über back to get home safely, and my driver was a clever and worldly man from Germany, and it was so incredible to talk about Europe and share what I learned from being abroad and hearing a native's opinion on some of my observations.  I miss traveling and different cultures and people so different that I can't even imagine something as simple as their daily routines.....and it was such a treat to end the night with a reminder of how important that is to me and a taste of what I've been missing.

So I would call that a good day.  (....finally)

Seven Lessons I've Learned This Year

What I've learned this year:

1. Just because you've found happiness where you are, doesn't mean you're guaranteed to recreate it wherever you go. And there is nothing worthy of sacrificing that happiness. 
2. There is something far greater to me than my passion for art; and that's my love for people. When I was sick and bedridden, I didn't spend my days sitting there writing screenplays, practicing monologues or looking up auditions for when I was healthier. I spend it dreaming of people: to hold my hand when I was in pain, to go on adventures with or even just errands, to celebrate when I could eat or help distract me when I couldn't. I yearned for people; not for art.  
3. Art is still in my life, no matter where I am. Whether I'm the token creative one in a political science class in France, or on a staff in LA who collectively would rather be out making movies, or even just covering whatever I can find (menus, napkins, one of my many many notebooks) with lines of poetry: Art is how I breathe. It functions like an organ inside of me and it keeps me alive.  I can go anywhere and it'll come, too; it is with me until I die.  I will be an artist no matter where I go. 
4. And so I am going. I gave this city a shot AND a second chance. Yet this is where I lost my childhood and earned the scars that I carry. It's where I was first diagnosed with Crohn's, rheumatoid arthritis, asthma, eczema, and hyper-mobility and where I experienced what gives me PTSD.   And this second time around.....?  Well you know a lot of that. I'm still not back to 100% after being in the hospital and out of work for four months, living in five homes in under a year and losing essentially all of the support group that I had previously grown.  I knew I had nothing keeping me here when when I lost the woman that rescued me. The first person to say "you have no idea how easy life should be: you are abused."  And yet I am thankful as this group still helped me get to where I am today, but if I am seen as a burden or even just a disturbance to their lives, then it is absolutely time for me to go. Because from my trip I learned that:
5.  Philadelphia is my home. I didn't live there as a child, nor did I ever plan to spend a significant amount of time there. I was angry we even had to sign a year lease, not nearly expecting how much more I would grow into myself there, than I had in any of the eight other cities I had previously lived in.  And Philadelphia wasn't even mine. It was his home that I was staying in. And though I look back on those days having learned that an attempt at a career out here was not nearly worth leaving that world behind, and though I still see him as fool for equally learning the magnitude of the happiness we created and deciding to run from it - that doesn't mean that happiness isn't still available to me.  I went back and was immediately returned to the world that fed me. Grew me into the passionate, empathetic, proudly quirky sprite that I always had in me. It's where I grew confident in my art and in myself. Where I got my nose pierced and my first tattoo. Where I learned the types of artists and people I want to surround myself with and where I knew I could find them.  Philadelphia is my home now, not just his, and though I lost a love and his family with him, that didn't mean that I lost my own. 
6. Because my family is you.  The people who've told me how worried they were when Spencer was missing. The people who've uttered the phrase "I read your blog."  The strangers and best friends that have sent me messages, assuring me that my tales have inspired them: a goal that I've had through all of this.  You are my family.  I may not be able to come home for the holidays or Skype with you when I have a tough decision to make.  But I do write during those times and you are the ones who read those thoughts and support me with your love.  And so you will be happy to know that the people that I longed for when I was too weak to get out of bed, the hands I was wishing to hold..... Philadelphia houses caring souls who equally yearned to hold my hand and help me up those stairs.  And yes, part of me worries if they're only still here because they haven't been subjected to the toll it takes on my support group when I am sick....but at the same time, I had requests from individuals I had never met to spend time with me so that they could learn more about the person they already loved.  That gird me hope in them to last through the hardest times. And I am so ready to love them.  I think there is magic in that city.  And I may not be there forever, but
7.  I know I need to be there now. 

So there's more to come on what exactly that looks like and when it's happening. But my happiness quest focused on why I was happy in Philadelphia; and now I will focus on the how to get (that) back. 

I also have already become sicker since leaving Philadelphia, so no doubt this move will ultimately help my health. 

So I guess there's also:

      8. I am absolutely a nomad. 

I look forward to the happiness that's ahead of me. 

Loving you lots,

Me