Hitting the Road Again...

So I think I am cursed.

I thought the other day was a great day.  My new neighborhood is safer and because of that I can finally explore again.  There are great things in a ten minute walk in any direction.  I also love that I am basically neighbors with the studios that house my dream job; if I can see it from my window, them maybe I can actually end up there.  I’m also closer to work, my doctors, and my friends; which all equates to a healthier life.

So this was how I started my Tuesday.

And yet it ended by wondering if I am too broken of an individual to not cut everyone I touch with my jagged edges…  In under a day, my new roommate decided that I’m not worth getting to know and that she would rather break our lease than work together to create a peaceful living environment.

I hate having to acknowledge this, (as I don’t think it’s a constraint worthy of how this situation has unfolded,) but my PTSD was triggered by her that night, but like any physical injury, it just requires a little bit of time to heal.  For instance, if you twisted your ankle, you need to sit down for moment to let it rest, and then it’s better.

I just needed to sleep on it and then I knew I’d feel better the next morning.

Instead I woke up to a message that had escalated the situation beyond something that could be resolved.

I’m still trying to remedy the situation, like I have been doing constantly for the last four months….but my circumstances seem to only get more and more impossible.

And now I’m sitting here worrying that there’s something wrong with me for having yet another ailment that I didn’t choose, that’s now altering my chance at happiness.

So I am looking for another place to live, again….and in doing so I think I have burned the bridges that I have left and I don’t know where to turn for help.  I didn’t choose this.  I didn’t want this to happen.  I thought by hiding in my room I would be avoiding any chance of this happening.

I’ve lost so much since all of this started.  I’m tired of everything being this hard.  If I knew how to give up, I would.  

I’ve just faced so much physical and emotional pain.  I don’t know how to heal back into something that can be fixed.