Heather's Plant Guide

Hey beauties!
I've been getting some requests for my plant guide!  Here you are :)
Remember, you are attempting to sustain life, quite literally trying to work against nature...sometimes things die.  But we learn and we love, and we hope to give more life to the next one.
Enjoy and happy growing, loves!

Tiny Turmoil

I’ve been quiet.  These past two weeks, I have spent my nights will a little fur-ball of purrs and cuddles.  I found a cat, at a very inconvenient time.  I found her and decided to save her and she has since been the only thing on my mind.  That and needing to make more art.  And my spark has been dampened.  I haven’t been  making as much as I would like to, perhaps because I am doing it one day of the week, and thus the others pale in comparison.  I need a vacation from this life, but there are also forces in it that ground me to where I am.

Every year for the past four, I have moved to a new city.  I enjoy starting over.  Adventures, meeting new people and getting to collect new pieces of me as I adorn myself with the gems I’ve already found — but I think I am staying.  And we’ll see what the job will be, where I will live, and who’s at my side (cat, human, or friend).  Time will tell.

Growing Up: a post that isn't about the kitten I found.

I am growing up and it terrifies me.

Numbers I get, numbers I have been counting for all of my life.  I understand that 25 is equidistant from 20 and 30.  But what I wasn’t expecting was how different they are and that 25 is being caught in the growing pains of wanting a totally different life.  

I am more limited now.  I am aware that the choices I make will be the stories I tell.  I have less potential energy.  I won’t be a surgeon, an astronaut, a linguistics major, or a scientist.  I have made decisions that lead me to a path so deep in the woods of life that I can’t navigate my way back.  And the forward forest is of fewer roads than I had seen before. 

Now don’t get me wrong, I still want to act and make art that gives people hope in being alive, that is the ethos of who I am… but I’m still not doing it.  Not enough at least.  It is not what pays my bills, it’s not all that I do.  So I could make that my focus, and really do more each week to take advantage of this great city I am in; but I also want to travel and have enjoyed uprooting myself each year and starting over with a new piece of myself that I had gained.

So that is the 20 year old in me.  Wanting everything and trusting it’ll work out.

Now the 30 year old…is who confuses me.  The 30 year old hears this and worries about health insurance, affording rent, knowing that I can make rent the following month, and longs for…dare I say it…stability.

I am someone that warns my friends when I meet them that I at some point will leave, eventually to France, and will do so happily.  And yet now I’m sad that I don’t come home to someone I have known for years.  Or that I don’t have enough spots where I am a regular.  Or that I have twenty different addresses saved in Grubhub/Seamless/Amazon.

I don’t want to settle down, there is still so much I want to do…but I also am longing to have a staycation where I get to really relax at home.  It confuses and overwhelms me to want so many different versions of the same story.  I just hope I land on one worth telling.

Coping With PTSD

Sometimes our inner animal shows.
Obviously I'm more prey than predator. I'd definitely eat berries and grass and be very fast and gentle.

Other people are vicious, meaning deliberately cruel or violent. The kind that would play with their food before they killed it, enjoying their fear.

Someone gestured at me like they were going to strangle me. They weren't actually going to, they may not have even been physically capable of it, but they reminded me vaguely of my abuser and the violence is what put me past the point of control.

I traded places with someone else, or as the person phrased it "I ran away."
That is the eyes of a predator searching for their pray.

Some people going through this world tackling and conquering to get their ways; not realizing that kindness will take them as far if not rather, not to mention it feels better emotionally and physically as well.

But what irks me is when they see self preservation as fleeting. In animal terms, I was protecting myself from a creature that wanted to eat me.  And they saw it as feeing shamefully. They did not say this, but that is the connotation associated with running away.

Personally I hate when people view the world as theirs to control. Who stomp on everyone and consider those they hurt to be weak.
I do not know if this person had such a view, for I am triggered currently, causing the preciously associated the flavors of my trauma to mix with this reminiscent being.  Like how Earl Grey smells like fruit loops so it reminds you of their taste as well.

So here I am, in a dark corner shaking. Listening to music and hiding. Like I had to do for most of my adolescence if I wanted to escape and feel safe. Hidden. Protected by the object forest surrounding me.
I haven't been in danger for almost seven years now, and yet one angered gesture brings me back to this place.

It's like an emotional Tardis, bringing me right back to where I was so many moons ago.

Two years ago, I would've gone home. Today I'll be fine. I have learned the tricks to teach my brain that I am safe. I have a cup of water. An ice pack. Stones and music. I'm not near anyone else, because even a hand on my shoulder would make me jump.
I am grateful to be able to find a spot in this busy city where I'm not surrounded by hundreds of others.
I am writing. I am breathing.

I am terrified, though I know I am in no real danger. It's only my demons haunting me now.
I am safe.

This just needs to get out of my system, like the flu.
I just wish people understood mental health they way they do physical.
That said I will get through this. I'll count to ten like Kimmie Schmidt (who very notably also has PTSD) and eventually feel like me again.

I see where I am, I am aware of the stress, and I will not let it keep me here.

Things That Make Me Smile

A little insight into my world:

Hey loves!  I know there hasn’t been a  lot of news from my end: and sadly that’s because there hasn’t been much change.  I still can’t eat solid foods without being in excruciating pain, and the “full liquids” that I manage to slurp which barely keep any meat on my bones, still cause me pain or at least a very intense nap session…. I’m also learning my body all over again with physical limitations so as to avoid over exhausting myself (hello fibromyalgia, nice to see you so complicated), and thus I haven’t been able to move/pack/find a new place to live.

YET.

It’s all a lot but I’m doing all that I can each day.  And all of that will ultimately happen, hopefully with health news as well.  I’m still seeing close to five doctors a week with a few medical tests thrown in, and I’m hoping that one of those will lead to precisely what’s been going on.

BUT in the meantime, what matters is getting out of bed each day with enthusiasm and the sunshine-attitude that makes me…well, me.

So here’s a little insight into the Things That Make Me Smile.

My Meals

So, only being able to drink things sounds like it can be quite drab, but give it a week and suddenly juices can be divine.  My most recent obsession: white grape juice :) Yum!  In terms of nutrients, however, I try to calorie-pack with puddings and ensures, and nutrient-scrunch with cold pressed juices.  

The attempt at nutrition despite my diet is something I never would have been able to afford with others’ generosity and my GoFundMe campaign, so THANK YOU ALL.  I and my body appreciate it.

Hard Candy and Teas

I can also have candies and teas….and finding ones that taste like real foods are always a wonderful win!  I’m still very partial to Werther’s, though, I’m definitely an old person at heart.

Pampering

I’ve wanted to write many a post on how important pampering has become to me.  It’s hard with so little energy to take care of myself, and yet with no control over my insides, being able to maintain my outsides is incredibly satisfying.  I’ve loved having my short hair, which I can style easily and happily with a little product and a headband.  And when you feel like hell, looking put together is the hugest of compliments.  So from lotions to comfy sweaters, looking like me has really helped me feel like “me,” too.  Let’s call it my healthy glow : )

Little Reminders of Those That I Love

I carry stuffed animals on me regularly now, and am very proud of it too!  Whether it’s my Pushineenicorn that is perfect for comforting my tummy from abrasive seatbelts, to little pocket friends that I can hold during a blood test, these little buddies have really helped remind me of their human counterparts.

Not feeling alone is something essential to the healing process, and I, again, feel incredibly lucky for those in my life.  I am a grateful flower.

So that’s some of my world!  Here are a few picks of my most recent haul.  I had to keep myself from using all my energy jumping up and down with excitement!

Some thoughts on boobs

The 11th CC