Ode to Success

I have noticed a trend in the people that I admire
In the people who are successful
In the people who are happy

They never stop.
They never stop working
They never give up
They never question what it is that they want to do.

And they succeed because of that tenacity
And that body of work that speaks for itself
Literally in its volumes.

So I will attempt to follow, not wallow, in their footsteps.
To continue even when I feel down
To work even when I am demotivated.

To fight to bring the light I want to share with this world.

Hong Kong Dreaming

I'm currently on a double decker bus making its way through Hong Kong.  I am in awe of a city nestled in the mountains and sad to only be spending 48 hours in it. There is so much to do, both epic and quotidian. Only a few speak English, and the mutual dance for comprehension is one of my favorites.  Last night a woman at a restaurant informed me that the teapot on the table was actually sauce to be poured upon my dim sum. She did so by miming it. I loved her. 

Today I used google translate to ask for a bathroom and the woman totally panicked. She thought I was asking if they had a bath I could use. I love the battle to adapt. I'm fighting to urge to hide my differences, which is ridiculous because I stick out like a sore thumb. Living in New York City has calloused me to the idea of tourists, and here I am unable to hide being one.  So I breathe and enjoy the experience. 

And its beautiful. I am fascinated by the minute differences; what they sell at their Starbucks here compared to the U.S.  All the snacks in their 7/11 that have characters (both linguistic and animated) that I do not know. The flavors that like trees or types of doves seem to only grow from this region. It's like meeting your best friend's twin. 

This city is much more comfortable to me than Vietnam; its history dictates it being so. I'm still struggling to find the words to capture how this journey has changed me and what it has meant. In the meantime, I sit at the top of this bus , gazing out onto the galaxy of new, praying that I only get a little lost. 

 

(My "desk" and my "office") 

Sexism Described in Questions

Is it not 2017?
Why am I watching a TV show from a decade ago that is more advanced that one of my "superiors"?
Why must I call a boss a superior?
What is so superior about him anyway?
And what in that allows him to think he can touch me without my permission?
Why does it matter how he touched me?
Why is this something I have to explain to him?
Why does he think that the type of non-consented touch matters?
And again, why am I having to explain this?
Why is it that men just don't seem to understand that their actions make others feel unsafe?
And why do they feel like telling them this is removing some of their power?
Why do they think they wield that kind of power?
Do you know any women who behave like this?
And is it just him?  This one person?
Or is half the world out there thinking they dominate the other half?
Will this ever cease to be a battle?
Or will we forever be stuck in another century?

A Happy Check Point:

Hello my loves.

I’m in a good place today.  I’m hopeful.  I’ve slept enough, it’s not unbearably hot in my apartment yet, and tomorrow is Spencer’s birthday.  (Don’t worry, more on that will come.)

As far as work goes, I love my job.

Yesterday I got to help a crowd of people easily understand ideas so complex that if I told them how complex they were, they’d insist they were too advanced; I’ve found that people’s biggest obstacle in learning is themselves.  So getting past that and helping them learn was incredibly rewarding.  

After that, I spoke to a young guy I swear will change the world.  We discussed how people value the wrong things these days.  Certain sports shoes are popular out here, for instance, and he was saying that people only like them because someone told them too; a blog post, a celebrity, a friend.  That most of the people he knows gets them just to look at, not even to wear, and, again, not because of their own passion.  And he added that he knew two people who were killed for their shoes.

I was speechless at that point.  What can you say when you’re confronted with a society that values shoes more than a human life?  We talked more on what matters to him, and how he cares about originality; someone who follows their own happiness, not what others say they should value.  He was a magnificent soul and I hope the right luck finds him, because he absolutely is a visionary.

And this was someone I’d probably never meet outside of our store. 

Demographically we have little in common, and yet — I want to say spiritually, but by that I don’t mean some greater force guiding us, but rather the yearning that we both feel as humans to make something out of this short time that we have to be alive — and so spiritually we completely understood one another.  Nowhere else would I have been given the time to get to see this stranger so truthfully.

I’m so happy restoring from back up can take a few minutes :P

I also met a law student who was studying for the Bar Exam, and every time she was waiting (for her appointment, for the answers about her computer, etc) I would quiz her on what she was studying.  In that small time, I could see her kindness, and tell that she’s going to be an incredible lawyer.  Not one that entered that field for money, but rather one who prides herself in defending children and victims, who speaks up for those that are voiceless.  She is selfless.

And I also worked with a fellow poet, and got to share with her my new favorite gadget for creating.  She also complimented my look, and in the spirit of honesty and not vanity, I get that a lot at work….and that’s exciting.  I am different and always have been, and it’s great to know that it’s manifesting into something notably confident and distinct.  It gives me hope that when I start acting again, that when I walk into the room, they’ll see that too, and perhaps that’ll give me opportunities that I long for.  She also had that look to her, not my style per se, but something completely different and thus compelling.  It was a wonderful way to end the day.

So I love my job.  I get to connect with strangers, as I enable kindness, growth and art, both within them and myself.

So it’s no wonder then that I don’t want any other role.  That’s why I’m not in Philadelphia right now.  There was one position there that went to someone else, and I don’t want to move there an wait three years for another opening in the role that validates who I am and who I want to be.

So instead I’ve been looking for cities near Philly (so I can still see my love bugs there) but where I can also work this job and towards a career in art.

Have you guessed it yet?

I had an interview this week for a store in New York.

And I almost started crying, it sounded so amazing.  Their trainer team is twice the size of mine, which means the community openly embraces coming in to learn.  And most of what they do (PHOTOGRAPHY WALKS IN CENTRAL PARK) is so unbelievably brilliant and beautiful that I can’t believe it’s real.  They’re ideas you’d entertain for half a daydream, and then realize there’s no way that could work…and yet a someone there it more thought, and found a way to turn those dreams into a reality.

Soooooo clearly I want to be there.  To work in an environment so open to possibilities and growth and change?  That’s my dream.  I’ll hear about what’s next soon and will write more then.  But I’ll say this: it feels like the right path for me.

***

When I was seventeen, I was taunted about wanting to study theatre in college.  An unwanted authority boomed that I’d be “missing the boat to [my] life.”  I skipped the fight and instead wrote my response in one of my notebooks: that “there are enough people in this world and enough things to do, that you might as well do the thing you love.”  I still stand by this.

And I know New York is another city, but my main complaint here is that I can’t get anywhere on my own.  I want to explore, and to run errands, and to feel safe after the sun sets, and to get places without it taking two hours in each direction…and this city is isolating.  You don’t talk to strangers, or make friends in line at coffee shops….and that’s clearly a huge part of who I am.  I want to feed that part of my soul.

And I also love moving.  Not the act of dragging everything I own from place to place, but being somewhere totally new.  Being frustrated with something from your old world and going somewhere where that isn’t a problem.  It solves things, it creates new opportunities, adds new places to explore, and best of all: there are new people to meet.

The store in New York that I’m talking to…has over seven hundred employees.  Just that alone is awing.  Seven hundred people with a common shared experience to talk about….how can I not find at least a dozen new best friends?  Not to mention the millions of others who live in that city.  How could anything feel mundane ever again?  Life wold be extraordinary.  And I’m hoping that dream is another the store turns into a reality.

Here's some of what I've created at work this week:

Forced Back on Leave; Forced to Be The-Sick-One

I am outraged and hurt and betrayed.

I have worked so hard to get better; yes worked.  I’ve been to six doctors appointments a week since I left the hospital, had procedures, memorized doctors addresses, I’ve pleaded for help from the same small group that’s probably as sick of me as I am sick, I’ve had multiple failed IVs that leave me with gross and notable bruises for months, I’m been in pain, been told that my pain isn’t real, and gone to some doctors that care more about my money than they do my treatment.  I’ve struggled on stairs, which feel like the 200th sit up that you just can’t really manage to do, each step has felt like that.  I’ve moved from one terrible living situation to another, and had some close friends blame it on me.  They used the word “disturbing.”  I’ve lost friends, people that were the closest thing I have to family, pleading with them to let me do something to keep them in my life and still lost them with the heartless phrase “I’m out.”  I’ve had people insinuate that I am the reason that I’ve lost my support group, that it’s something that I am doing wrong.  I think it’s that my life is too exhausting for others to keep up with.  But perhaps I am that “disturbing” and terrible and at blame.

But I thought maybe going back to work could help.  It was at financial necessity, yes, but also I thought seeing people, new people, and old people that haven’t come to help me but possibly still care, I thought that a forced community could help me feel less alone, and less like my solitude was my fault.

And I had a glorious week of it, of a community that hugged me and welcomed me back and now have been told I have to go home.  They are forcing me to go back on leave, thinking that more time to sit alone at home reflecting on how lonely I am and how much I miss the people that I still love as my stomach growls from the lack of food that I can afford…they called this a “gift.”

I want to be back at work, and I’m forced me to stay home.  They blame it on me for saying that the restrictions they aren’t currently in place would help me.  Yes they would, but I’d take back everything that I said *in confidence* to be able to work.

They say they don’t want it to be at the cost of my health…..but stressing alone at home about how I’m going to pay rent, where I’m going to find food, how I’m going to move when I don’t have boxes or anyone to help me…that isn’t any better for my health.

 I am so alone.  I feel like a burden to anyone that lets me tell them how hard my day is….And I just wanted a chance to feel normal again.  To not desperately need company so that I won’t go insane.  I wanted to be around people and feel like there’d be someone to hold me if I cried — but I didn’t cry.  I didn’t need to cry.  I got through last week of work with grace.  I felt normal again when I was around my peers and like I could do anything….I wasn’t assigned to do anything, however, but I still felt happy to be back.  Happy to not spend the day alone. Happy to feel like there’s a reason I’m getting better and I felt like in that environment, I could grow.

And they took it away.  I said this is not what I want.  This will not help me.  This just causes me to stress which will possibly more detrimental to my health than trying to work without accommodations.  But there are ways.  There are different ways in which I could work without it hurting my body.  You could do that.  You’d do that for someone who started feeling sick while they were here… But nothing I said mattered.  The more I fought back the more I realized I didn’t have a say in the matter.

And that’s what stings is they think they’re helping me.

That forcing me to spend more time in an environment with a roommate that triggers me and decided to kick me out after a day, is beneficial to me.

They think that clearing my schedule gives me time to do what?  I’ve already booked appointments around the days they said I could work.  They put me on the schedule for the next three weeks.  I can’t believe they’re just taking it away.

They say it’s until my restrictions come through with the third party company and our company’s HR.  Buuuuut they’ve had the information since February 6th and haven’t gotten it done and now the third party company has given my case to a different sector of what they handle, who will call me eventually…..and now I don’t even have a case worker to contact to ask how long this is going to take.

My managers, who haven’t had to juggle the phone calls between all of the above, are optimistic that this will get resolved soon so I can be back at work……but I feel like I should to get another job to pay me in the meantime.  Because again, their medical leave doesn’t come with financial benefits, and I can’t just sit back with my ability to eat and have a roof over me head depending upon how quickly paperwork can get filed.

Of course that quickly found temporary job isn’t going to care at all about my health, but still…. I don’t want to be homeless.  I’m already barely eating so I can afford to pay rent…but with no income, I don’t know what else I can do.

Again.  This is not helping me.  I don’t wan’t to be in this situation, I want to be back at work.  Like I was a week ago.  I want to feel normal again.  And  I don’t think I can forgive them for taking that away from me.

tear stained glasses

Back at Work, And Trying to Celebrate

Hey loves!
I haven't written in a little while, probably because I'm still trying to figure out how I feel.  I'm back at work for the first time since my flare started three months ago, and it's been really tough adjustment.

To be perfectly honest, I don't feel ready to be back, but financially I need to be working, so back I am.   I'm better than I was even a month ago, but I'm still not feeling back to normal and I'm struggling physically and emotionally.  For instance, someone bumped into me yesterday and it winded me so much that I had to sit down after it happened, which was frustrating after a such a simple little bump.
Additionally, it was discouraging the other day when someone complained to a manager that I was using my phone, making the assumption that I wasn't using it for something recreational and not for work.  That's not who I am.  Just getting to work each day requires so much commitment and effort, that I'm not going to waste anyone's time once I'm there.  I was using my phone to take notes as I was learning new material.  I would have told them this if they had come to me about it, but instead they assumed they knew me and went straight to a manager to get me in trouble.  It's these assumptions that I'm really sensitive to right now, after facing something so difficult that no one really understands.
Even a few months ago, when I ventured to a work party, something scary emotionally as this was the first time seeing everyone since the hospital and scary physical because I was in pain and still weighted so little that a gust of wind could blow me over....there, in this vulnerable state, a coworker started badmouthing me behind my back.  He was making fun of my energy or voice or something.  After everything I had faced, he just needed to talk to me and I would share with him the struggle and agony that I have faced, and yet he assumed he understood and decided he was in a position to judge.

Of course that person and the cellphone person are not the majority, and I'm not always going to fall over when someone bumps into me.... but theses are the stories that play in my head when I'm having a rough day, adding the the countless number of reasons to give up, telling me that all of this is more than I can face.

So I wish I had glamor stories of being back to work and how it's felt like coming home and being given armfuls of puppies....but instead it's been another challenge to work through.  To prove how strong I am to people who assume less of me, and to work past how physically demanding it is so I can get paid enough to have a roof over my head and food to eat, if my body that day decides that it'll let me...
I wish this were even close to being the conclusion of my difficult journey but it's not.  It's another chapter.  One I plan to finish gallantly, no less, but still it's another battle to work through.

So that's how I am.  I'll improve physically, I have been a little each day.  And I'm grateful, still, to only have two stories of animosity in the face of what I am facing; there have been countless smiles and hugs and I know it's a fertile environment in which I can grow.  Perhaps my first step is going to be not letting the harsher voices get to me as much as they do.

With my honestly and transparency in my journey, it probably comes as no surprise that my goal is to be understood...but perhaps I should accept that there are some that don't want to know and won't allow themselves to learn about the lives of others.  And with such a big world full of so many artistic, unique, diverse and wonderful humans, it is truly their loss.  So I'll continue jouurneying forward, and hope their negative grumbles don't drown out the jovial cheers of the others.  It's a wonderful world, and I plan to enjoy it.

Soap+Stone Week 2 Reflection!