I am outraged and hurt and betrayed.
I have worked so hard to get better; yes worked. I’ve been to six doctors appointments a week since I left the hospital, had procedures, memorized doctors addresses, I’ve pleaded for help from the same small group that’s probably as sick of me as I am sick, I’ve had multiple failed IVs that leave me with gross and notable bruises for months, I’m been in pain, been told that my pain isn’t real, and gone to some doctors that care more about my money than they do my treatment. I’ve struggled on stairs, which feel like the 200th sit up that you just can’t really manage to do, each step has felt like that. I’ve moved from one terrible living situation to another, and had some close friends blame it on me. They used the word “disturbing.” I’ve lost friends, people that were the closest thing I have to family, pleading with them to let me do something to keep them in my life and still lost them with the heartless phrase “I’m out.” I’ve had people insinuate that I am the reason that I’ve lost my support group, that it’s something that I am doing wrong. I think it’s that my life is too exhausting for others to keep up with. But perhaps I am that “disturbing” and terrible and at blame.
But I thought maybe going back to work could help. It was at financial necessity, yes, but also I thought seeing people, new people, and old people that haven’t come to help me but possibly still care, I thought that a forced community could help me feel less alone, and less like my solitude was my fault.
And I had a glorious week of it, of a community that hugged me and welcomed me back and now have been told I have to go home. They are forcing me to go back on leave, thinking that more time to sit alone at home reflecting on how lonely I am and how much I miss the people that I still love as my stomach growls from the lack of food that I can afford…they called this a “gift.”
I want to be back at work, and I’m forced me to stay home. They blame it on me for saying that the restrictions they aren’t currently in place would help me. Yes they would, but I’d take back everything that I said *in confidence* to be able to work.
They say they don’t want it to be at the cost of my health…..but stressing alone at home about how I’m going to pay rent, where I’m going to find food, how I’m going to move when I don’t have boxes or anyone to help me…that isn’t any better for my health.
I am so alone. I feel like a burden to anyone that lets me tell them how hard my day is….And I just wanted a chance to feel normal again. To not desperately need company so that I won’t go insane. I wanted to be around people and feel like there’d be someone to hold me if I cried — but I didn’t cry. I didn’t need to cry. I got through last week of work with grace. I felt normal again when I was around my peers and like I could do anything….I wasn’t assigned to do anything, however, but I still felt happy to be back. Happy to not spend the day alone. Happy to feel like there’s a reason I’m getting better and I felt like in that environment, I could grow.
And they took it away. I said this is not what I want. This will not help me. This just causes me to stress which will possibly more detrimental to my health than trying to work without accommodations. But there are ways. There are different ways in which I could work without it hurting my body. You could do that. You’d do that for someone who started feeling sick while they were here… But nothing I said mattered. The more I fought back the more I realized I didn’t have a say in the matter.
And that’s what stings is they think they’re helping me.
That forcing me to spend more time in an environment with a roommate that triggers me and decided to kick me out after a day, is beneficial to me.
They think that clearing my schedule gives me time to do what? I’ve already booked appointments around the days they said I could work. They put me on the schedule for the next three weeks. I can’t believe they’re just taking it away.
They say it’s until my restrictions come through with the third party company and our company’s HR. Buuuuut they’ve had the information since February 6th and haven’t gotten it done and now the third party company has given my case to a different sector of what they handle, who will call me eventually…..and now I don’t even have a case worker to contact to ask how long this is going to take.
My managers, who haven’t had to juggle the phone calls between all of the above, are optimistic that this will get resolved soon so I can be back at work……but I feel like I should to get another job to pay me in the meantime. Because again, their medical leave doesn’t come with financial benefits, and I can’t just sit back with my ability to eat and have a roof over me head depending upon how quickly paperwork can get filed.
Of course that quickly found temporary job isn’t going to care at all about my health, but still…. I don’t want to be homeless. I’m already barely eating so I can afford to pay rent…but with no income, I don’t know what else I can do.
Again. This is not helping me. I don’t wan’t to be in this situation, I want to be back at work. Like I was a week ago. I want to feel normal again. And I don’t think I can forgive them for taking that away from me.
tear stained glasses
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