Escape to Reality

It's strange going back to a city you love after seasons at a time. People change, buildings morph, staffs of family fade into faces you don't know. But all the reasons you fell in love in the first place remain in tact. 

I sit currently in a coffee shop with a vegan donut and a heart of longing. The weather is perfect, the flowers budding, the world shifting back to the one I first associated with freedom, edge, identity and awareness. I love who I became in this city; even now I still have the habit of coming back and getting inked; permanently ingraining this city into myself. 

The people are honest and tough; the town alive but subtle: the art present, but self contained. If I were more content in my discontent I would live here. I still dream of ruling the biggest town I can find. I want to orbit the earth; it's not enough for me to cause a storm.  But this is my backstage, it's where I grow and prepare for the masterpiece I want to share with the world. So I travel back to make it and find myself surrounded by angels singing my name as I pass. Friends who share their lives, pets and loved ones. Trees humming patiently for my next return. 

I love it here. 

It was the perfect escape. 

 

 

It Has Been A Year

     A year ago was the day Spencer and I started our voyage across the country!

I'm still so grateful that my wonderful friend came to see me off, and imortalized that moment with a photo of me with my hopes and dreams stuffed into a very heavy backpack, and picnic basket with Spencer inside.

          It's always sort of jarring to be able to look back at who you used to be. I've lost half of the items in this photo, but also gained a lot of perspective.  This has been a tough year.  To be completely honest (as I have always been on this blog) one of the hardest things was coping with regret.  Wondering how much happier I could’ve been if I hadn’t moved.

          The hospital was when my perspective really changed.  Starting then, I’ve lost an average of one person a week.  Best friends, the closest I have to family, who knew how much I loved and valued them, and with this year’s challenges knew how much I needed them, deciding they could no longer do it.  And I don’t blame them.  My life is tough; some days I feel like I’d opt out if I could.

And in these hard thoughts, I’ve considered, what if I hadn’t gotten sick?  Or if I hadn’t moved? Would I still have those people in my life?  Are the people that I have left only still here because they weren’t in the same city to be challenged as my friends here were?  Am I doomed never to have people consistently in my life?  How much of this could’ve been avoided if I had stayed in Philadelphia?

          But you know what?  When I went back to Philly I found those same friends and some new ones happily waiting to hug me after almost a year apart.  I used to think no one would be in my life for longer than a year, and my friends vanquished that fear.

          And just like I’ve lost half of what was in that photo a year ago; I’ve gained a lot too.  A year ago I thought dreams were more important than reality.  Now I’ll never gamble my current happiness for something that I hope is better.  A year ago I thought I had to be in LA to do TV-Film; now I know that art is who I am.  No matter where I am I will be creating.  And after a year of mostly trying to survive, I know that I’d rather go where survival is easier and to the friends who won’t let me feel lonely.  A year ago I thought that love could conquer all.  Now I know it’s a little baby that you have to nourish and care for and protect.  A year ago I left a city thinking that life outside college would always be that great; now I know it was that city that made life so magical.  A year ago I left behind friends that I knew I would miss; now I know that they are my family.  A year ago I was lost and now know where home is.  

          So I can’t regret this year.  It’s helped me learn to really invest in that and those that I love; and that being where you are happy is more important that going to where you think you “should be.”  As far as health goes?  This year was rough; and now I know that no matter how invincible I think I am, that hospitals are always a possibility.  So I want to spend investing in what makes me happy and what will help me pull through when things get rough.

Now that it’s been a year, I’m ready for the next adventure. 

I Am 24

          So I’ve been 24 for almost a month now and I’m feeling a weird mid-twenties funk.

For instance, I’ve met a few cute guys, asked their age, found out they’re 19 — and then broke into Mother Goose-esque life advice.  Whereas the older friends I used to go out with are either in panicked existential crises or having babies.

          And I’m all for a good ole “what am I doing with my life” panic, but to be honest, I’m a little too starry eyed for my older friends; I still have time to figure out what I’m doing with my life (and I’m definitely not about to have a baby).  But my newly discovered hangovers won’t let me spend all night out with young ones either, so what am I supposed to do at twenty-four?

Perhaps this a time to try things out?  I can see from my older friends that permanence is down the road….so maybe now I get to play around and see what I want to stick?

          Hmm so let’s see.  Where do I currently stand on the topic of me?

Recent Discoveries Include:

• people mattering more to me than “success” at art; so I’m going to be moving back to where my people are.  
• I know that I need art in my life; so I’m working on ways to bring that back into my every day. 
• I’ve decided that I want to practice yoga and dance….overall finding ways of being active that I don’t detest; so I’m going to look into financial options for this.
• I need nature in my life; so I’ve been making gardens and hiking a priority and have my tattoo as a reminder to go find trees.
• I love my hermit crab.  Spencer is the only man/maybe-woman that I need in my life.  I want him to be happy and spoiled in every possible way.

And for the things I’m still trying to solve:

• I need a last name.  I haven’t comfortably used my legal last name for the past six years, under the philosophy of “why keep a ‘family name’ when they’re not family.”  So I need to finally get the decisiveness (and finances) to make the change.  So in the spirit of 24, let’s start trying.  As of this moment I am officially Heather Boysenberry Aubrey Willow Allen DeLune.  Hopefully one (or none) of them stick and I learn a little more about who I want to be.
• I need to learn to balance my art with my work; I’ve gotten quite good at finding a way to love my “day job”; but I also haven’t memorized a script in a really long time.  I’ve been writing, photographing, even making short movies, but not doing anything professional.  And that feels important to me.  So I’m going attempt a theatre company with a friend and if that doesn’t work I’ll move onto (and come up with) Plan B.
• Dating.  Fine, I’ll acknowledge this.  And I hate it.  I’d Eternal-Sunshine myself, if it were possible.  I don’t know how to move onto something else when I have the memories of something that was so much better.  So I’m not going looking for anything else; but I’ve also accepted that they also were the good ‘ole days and are behind me now.  So romance is on pause.  And if someone comes along and unpauses it, great.  But I’m not gonna force myself into it.
• Moving.  I’ve decided that I want to do it but I’m really scared about the how. I have so much stuff and don’t know how to by myself get it across the country/sold, and I don’t feel comfortable asking anyone for help.  I feel like I’ve drained all of my resources on this coast… I also don’t know when I’ll be transferred, or even IF I will be transferred within my current role…. And if I can’t, I don’t know if I’d rather a) just move to Philly and quit…, b) move to Philly but transfer into a different role and abandon the career I’ve been working towards, c) find a different city and store that will have me within my role, or d) not move, wait a little longer and hope that another role becomes available.  ….So to avoid this panic attack let’s all just put good energy into the Universe that I get the transfer.
• I need to be cleaner; it’ll help a lot of my anxiety.  Hopefully owning less will help; plus learning more tips and actually following through on them.  Maybe I’ll try a reward system to motivate me!
• I want to be happier.  And I think writing all of this down is a good step.  Now I have a list of things to accomplish.

           So that seems like plenty.  I’ll keep you posted on the progress!  

Also this is a picture from the moment that I first realized I was home.

dream home; I think I may want to move to the woods.

source

dream plant life

image found on here but originated from here