The Sun Shines Today

Guys!

I can do things!

Today I finally felt brave and awake enough to go out into the world and I love it!

There’s only local businesses around me, as in there are so many little mom & pop places that it’s actually difficult to find a franchise.  And I love it.  Everything is so unique, and ernest and ready to be explore.

I started the day (by getting paid finally) and getting a NY bagel the size of my face.  I then moved onto getting my nails done, my one every-so-often treat; and believe it or not I actually found a place cheaper than in the ghettos of LA or Chinatown in Philly.

I then strolled towards the post office, hitting a place that was like a cheaper CVS.  For $20 I got a trashcan, hardcore sponges, a trashcan, some toiletries, wall hooks, a closet organizer, two name-brand air fresheners, and two key-differentiate-ers.

I then was frustrated with my hands full of home needs and toiletrees when I had planned to go to the Post Office.  But guess what….??  Unlike errands in LA or even Philadelphia, I live so close to all of these places that I simply WALKED HOME and then back to the post office.

I know that must sound small and meaningless, but for someone who spend a year asking for help just to get my laundry done…. This is incredible.  There’s nothing I can’t achieve on my own.

I brought a cart to the post office, übered home with my four boxes, and all on my own carried them up three flights of stairs.  *self-high-five for being stronger than I was even a month ago, because I definitely could barely have managed that physically.*  I’m getting stronger.

And I have 100% access to everything I need and then some.

I saw a youtube video for handmade hard candies, and after a quick google search, I found the place and it’s a 20 minute subway ride from my work.

I was giggling in the home goods store earlier because of how much was easily within my reach…. There’s a neat architectural choice here, to have residences so close to businesses.  It makes a community instantly.

I love where I am living and I love how much is within my grasp.

I can’t wait for each day to get easier and bring with it more to explore.

I am excited.  Still overwhelmed, but very happy with my choices and luck.

I Am 24

          So I’ve been 24 for almost a month now and I’m feeling a weird mid-twenties funk.

For instance, I’ve met a few cute guys, asked their age, found out they’re 19 — and then broke into Mother Goose-esque life advice.  Whereas the older friends I used to go out with are either in panicked existential crises or having babies.

          And I’m all for a good ole “what am I doing with my life” panic, but to be honest, I’m a little too starry eyed for my older friends; I still have time to figure out what I’m doing with my life (and I’m definitely not about to have a baby).  But my newly discovered hangovers won’t let me spend all night out with young ones either, so what am I supposed to do at twenty-four?

Perhaps this a time to try things out?  I can see from my older friends that permanence is down the road….so maybe now I get to play around and see what I want to stick?

          Hmm so let’s see.  Where do I currently stand on the topic of me?

Recent Discoveries Include:

• people mattering more to me than “success” at art; so I’m going to be moving back to where my people are.  
• I know that I need art in my life; so I’m working on ways to bring that back into my every day. 
• I’ve decided that I want to practice yoga and dance….overall finding ways of being active that I don’t detest; so I’m going to look into financial options for this.
• I need nature in my life; so I’ve been making gardens and hiking a priority and have my tattoo as a reminder to go find trees.
• I love my hermit crab.  Spencer is the only man/maybe-woman that I need in my life.  I want him to be happy and spoiled in every possible way.

And for the things I’m still trying to solve:

• I need a last name.  I haven’t comfortably used my legal last name for the past six years, under the philosophy of “why keep a ‘family name’ when they’re not family.”  So I need to finally get the decisiveness (and finances) to make the change.  So in the spirit of 24, let’s start trying.  As of this moment I am officially Heather Boysenberry Aubrey Willow Allen DeLune.  Hopefully one (or none) of them stick and I learn a little more about who I want to be.
• I need to learn to balance my art with my work; I’ve gotten quite good at finding a way to love my “day job”; but I also haven’t memorized a script in a really long time.  I’ve been writing, photographing, even making short movies, but not doing anything professional.  And that feels important to me.  So I’m going attempt a theatre company with a friend and if that doesn’t work I’ll move onto (and come up with) Plan B.
• Dating.  Fine, I’ll acknowledge this.  And I hate it.  I’d Eternal-Sunshine myself, if it were possible.  I don’t know how to move onto something else when I have the memories of something that was so much better.  So I’m not going looking for anything else; but I’ve also accepted that they also were the good ‘ole days and are behind me now.  So romance is on pause.  And if someone comes along and unpauses it, great.  But I’m not gonna force myself into it.
• Moving.  I’ve decided that I want to do it but I’m really scared about the how. I have so much stuff and don’t know how to by myself get it across the country/sold, and I don’t feel comfortable asking anyone for help.  I feel like I’ve drained all of my resources on this coast… I also don’t know when I’ll be transferred, or even IF I will be transferred within my current role…. And if I can’t, I don’t know if I’d rather a) just move to Philly and quit…, b) move to Philly but transfer into a different role and abandon the career I’ve been working towards, c) find a different city and store that will have me within my role, or d) not move, wait a little longer and hope that another role becomes available.  ….So to avoid this panic attack let’s all just put good energy into the Universe that I get the transfer.
• I need to be cleaner; it’ll help a lot of my anxiety.  Hopefully owning less will help; plus learning more tips and actually following through on them.  Maybe I’ll try a reward system to motivate me!
• I want to be happier.  And I think writing all of this down is a good step.  Now I have a list of things to accomplish.

           So that seems like plenty.  I’ll keep you posted on the progress!  

Also this is a picture from the moment that I first realized I was home.

Where I am in life: a diatribe about art, hermit crabs, and a picture of a stranger's pet.

(first: Rylance with Spencer in the bottom left corner;

second: a customer's dog, who was placed in my arms in all her cuteness)

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