There's a cloud looming over me....

Oh loves, I'm not feeling well, emotionally and thus physically. 

I think it's important to admit that I'm scared. Perhaps by acknowledging it I take away some of its power over me. 

I'm scared of small things like figuring out my new bus route to work, and I'm scared of larger things like living with someone that has little understanding of chronic illness and how exhausting it is to be in constant pain. I'm scared of using a wheelchair but also too terrified not to; though I'm afraid that trying one will end being a  to be a waste of money.

Money is terrifying. I'm worried that I won't be able to work enough hours to afford rent - but here's the thing: I know I will. I know that I'll master this bus route and look cute in my chair. I know that I'll work enough for rent because I kick ass at work have missed it constantly since being sick. So I'm afraid of those things now but I know ultimately that my strength will push me through to success. 

So what terrifies me then, is what my strength cannot carry: and that is the relationships that became warped by my extreme circumstances and ultimately lost entirely. I don't know how to fix that. I mourn those that I've lost, some of whom taught me how to love. I don't know how to live each day with such gaping holes in my heart. And that terrifies me and stings constantly. 

I want to share this moment because this is part of the journey. It's not all hopeful with teddy bears and roses; some of it is weeping alone and wishing someone were there to hold you. 

I just hope one day I find someone that will, who will hold me and stick by my side. And I hope not to have hurt those that tried. 

I am lost at what to do; and now at what to say.

But this is my truth, and so I will share it.