The Melancholy Truth

I decided to distill what it is to be in love, and found there are three components:

They are totally sharing yourself emotionally and physically with someone, who in return sees you as being special above everyone else.

• With regular friends you share yourself part of your emotional self, and they don’t think much of it.
• With people you date you share some of your physical self, and they don’t think much of it.
• With best friends you share most of your emotional self, and they find you special.

• And with someone who loves you, you share all of your emotional self and physical self, and they find you exceptional.  

Within these two selves is the entire essence of who you are.  You stand before them vulnerable in every way and trust that they will respect, appreciate and protect you, because they understand and worship the treasure that’s in front of them.

And if they change their mind, now only wanting to see you as a friend; they have diminished your value.  They saw all of who you are and chose to no longer cherish it.

They held your soul, and decided it lost its value.

And when you still adore them above everyone else, they're not the person you loved.

There's a cloud looming over me....

Oh loves, I'm not feeling well, emotionally and thus physically. 

I think it's important to admit that I'm scared. Perhaps by acknowledging it I take away some of its power over me. 

I'm scared of small things like figuring out my new bus route to work, and I'm scared of larger things like living with someone that has little understanding of chronic illness and how exhausting it is to be in constant pain. I'm scared of using a wheelchair but also too terrified not to; though I'm afraid that trying one will end being a  to be a waste of money.

Money is terrifying. I'm worried that I won't be able to work enough hours to afford rent - but here's the thing: I know I will. I know that I'll master this bus route and look cute in my chair. I know that I'll work enough for rent because I kick ass at work have missed it constantly since being sick. So I'm afraid of those things now but I know ultimately that my strength will push me through to success. 

So what terrifies me then, is what my strength cannot carry: and that is the relationships that became warped by my extreme circumstances and ultimately lost entirely. I don't know how to fix that. I mourn those that I've lost, some of whom taught me how to love. I don't know how to live each day with such gaping holes in my heart. And that terrifies me and stings constantly. 

I want to share this moment because this is part of the journey. It's not all hopeful with teddy bears and roses; some of it is weeping alone and wishing someone were there to hold you. 

I just hope one day I find someone that will, who will hold me and stick by my side. And I hope not to have hurt those that tried. 

I am lost at what to do; and now at what to say.

But this is my truth, and so I will share it.