Persistence For Better Health

So I almost went back to the ER the other night, as I think I had another Crohn's flare. I'm not certain because I didn't go and so the doctors couldn't confirm it. 

I am following up with them today, but their thinking was that they only wanted me in the ER if the pain was too much for me to bare.  And it wasn't.....but I had something emotionally traumatic occur the same day as the nerve block, so the fact that I was feeling any physical pain at all worried me.  And the immune system and nervous system are so closely intertwined that the emotional stress I was facing definitely could have triggered a physical reaction. 

Thus the last few days I've been thinking a lot about the hospital and what is good about not being back.

Hmm, after writing that I realize that's something that most people wouldn't have to think about for very long. But there were good things about the hospital. For one, people are more willing to visit you when you're in the hospital than when you're just on bed rest. They don't realize that no matter where you are, your need for human connection is just as dire when you're sick; and so I've spent a lot more time alone out of the hospital than I did in. Additionally, doctors hold you as more of a priority when you're in the hospital than when you're out. And as they still have no idea what's going on with my body, being back there perhaps would light a little fire under their little doctor butts.  Moreover, some days, I'm too weak physically to get out of bed to go take my medicines. A few times I've accidentally fallen asleep and thus skipped them, or on rare occasions I'll forget...so the idea of a nurse taking care of that for me is pretty tempting.

Basically I've been out of the hospital for over a month now, but the strange lure of it has constantly been on my mind.  And I know that it would help. 

So I have to keep reminding myself of what's good about being out.  And I would say having independence, because in the hospital I couldn't even leave my floor and so I was constantly having to ask people to bring me things......but to be honest, I still feel just as dependent upon others right now, and that is starting to strain the friendships that I have left. A lot of people couldn't handle how tumultuous my life is and have opted out, and I honestly feel bad for those that are still here. I know they feel obligated to help me and they place that pressure on themselves and I can't really remedy it, nor thank them enough.....

I just can't wait for my life to feel normal again.  I want to be able to get to my doctors appointments without worrying about money for ubers, and I want to be able to get to work without worrying about fighting for a seat on the bus.  I want to go to my friends birthday parties without worrying that I won't be able to stay awake past 9pm. And I want to finally stop asking people for rides.  I want to get a bike and not a wheelchair.  I want to be healthy enough to get around by myself. And once that's the case, I won't have to worry about how many hours I can physically stand at work.....and then I'll be getting paid for more hours and...... Everything will be easier when I'm healthy again.

So out of the hospital or in, I want my life to feel like it's within my control.  And today I had lunch with my best friend in my favorite neighborhood in this city. And I couldn't had done that if I had gone to the ER. And emotionally, that makes me feel so much stronger. So even if that's the only advantage I can think of for not being in the hospital, it's enough to keep me going today.

And that's all I can do. "firm or obstinate continuance in a course of action in spite of difficulty or opposition."  Persist one day at a time.