Why Do I Watch A Show About Mothers?

I've been rewatching Gilmore Girls once a year for the last four.
It's always fascinating to revisit shows from your childhood, to hear which jokes outlive their time and which references would be lost today, which things remain funny and which things turn offensive in today's light.

When rewatching this particular show, I find most interesting thing to analyze is my view on the mothers in it, and how that shifts in accordance to my PTSD.

I was abused by my mother, leaving my home at 17 and starting over completely.  Very similar to Lorelei's timeline with her parents, except for the fact that she always returns to them; an urge I've had not once in the last eight and a half years.
I never had a father, so her dynamic is different from mine, but it's awing how similar Emily Gilmore is to my mother: the same sense of entitlement and the same superiority complex; and I responded much like Lorelei, rejecting that life and wanting to only be proud of the accomplishments I've achieved on my own.  I've likened my upbringing to if Emily Gilmore were to raise Rory (a more similar age dynamic), if there were no Richard and no real money.

In any case, watching Emily can be triggering at times, most times actually, and so it's interesting when she doesn't.  This time, when my PTSD is better than it's been before, I can experience her as a character and not as a memory, allowing me to see the parts of her that are sore, not just the ones that sting.
She also becomes much more triggering once Rory starts living with them, which now that I write that out I can see why; I start to imagine myself back in that role.  But I will say this year I can actually sit through those episodes; I don't need to immediately find something else that grounds me in this reality; proving that I'm much more rooted than I've been before.

The character that's most grown on me is actually Mrs. Kim.  When I first rewatched this show, I thought she was the one who was the most familiar: punishing a child who was just trying to find their identity, believing the worst in her daughter who really is just a good kid.  I viewed their amended relationship as too little too late, and didn't understand why Lane cared to reestablish contact between them.  That's not what I did.

Recently, however, I've seen much more in Mrs. Kim.  I suddenly can see her intentions as being rooted in love, not oppression, and I actually think she might be my favorite mother on the show.  She changes the most, that's clear, and when she does put in effort to be close to Lane again, she's showing a ton of respect for the individual that Lane fought to become.  Her strict household was out of fear for her child's safety, but the fact that she adapts shows that she really does trust her kid.  That's something I never experienced, and it, once again, makes Mrs. Kim a character and not a memory.
Rewatching the show, you can notice the foreshadowed snipets of her own story that mirror Lane's, for instance being in a band herself, and hiding her religion/identity from her own mother.  Her relationship with Lane reminds me a lot of what I observed in my college friends, where as they become adults, they begin to see the human side of their parents and find new ways to love them.  This time around I'm also aware that Mrs. Kim seems oppressive is when Lane views her as being so, and once Lane starts confiding in her, she eases up.  Perhaps then, some of the sternness is perception, and maybe with communication she would've always been able to accept Lane's many "rebellions."

I'm glad that over the years, I've been able to see her as a kind mother, and not a triggering one.  I can now see why Lane goes back to her, and ultimately having understanding for fictional characters is muscle training for having empathy for real people.

It's been a hard journey for me, realizing my trauma, being able to articulate my weird boundaries that I need to feel safe, but also just accept that I have them.  I was 17 when someone first said I was abused, and almost two decades of not having your suffering known always makes me feel like I have to prove it.  I find a strange comfort in the physical and emotional scars that I have, as if they're proof that it's okay to feel how I feel.  It's strange how others validating your pain makes it easier for you to justify it for yourself.

Ultimately, this show helps me in the way that doctors test for allergies.  I put a little of these overbearing mothers into my bloodstream, and I see how strongly I react.  Given my circumstances, it's a weird show for me to love.  My best friend has pointed out the emotional tole rewatching it has on me.  I almost wonder if I do so to relieve and justify the choices that I have made... In any case, I do find it fascinating.  And a testament to the value of art and telling stories; it changes people, it's changed me.  And it motivates me to tell my own story.