And We're Back

Hello my loves. 

Here we go. 

I have felt too emotionally stunted to write for awhile.  Most of it was due to how I felt at the job I had for the past year. The atmosphere of the office was that boardering on a toxic one, where I was fighting to take up space, and feel like I was appreciated. And it turns out I was undervalued that minutes after approving two weeks of vacation time, they scheduled a meeting blindsiding me with the "mutual decision to find a better culture fit."

I worked hard and that was utilized, it had "nothing to do with [my] performance.". But the person that I am, the light that I give, was not wanted. 

I've always said "go where you're wanted," so there's no use in fighting to stay there; I just wish I'd been able to plan for the change. That paid vacation time is now lost, but the $400 nonrefundable ticket still remains, and I'm forced to either go broke for a trip that I'd earned, or burn out but still income during those two weeks.

 

Two weeks.  I was going to go to France. Fly into Paris, work on a honey farm.  My goal was to overcome the pain and anger that I've realized I still harbor from my past trauma, and to finally move on.

 

It was going to be a trip of rebirth, of mental and physical healing, so I could come back renewed physically and emotiobally, and hopefully suffer from fewer flares and less pain. 

And best of all, I was going to write it all down.  It was going to be a book. 

An Oddesy of healing, how I outgrew my pain and stepped into my future. 

And to be honest, I shouldn't go. In the three weeks since leaving my last job, I've had five interviews and picked up two part time jobs. I'm working seven days of the week and finding the strength to also get Medicaid (which so far hasn't panned out), just to mirror the income and benefits I had at the past job, which allowed me to break even with my costly medical expenses. 

I have a medicine that keeps me alive, waiting on an opportunity with insurance isn't even an option to gamble.  

And of course working this much has been agony on my arthritis, as well as my emotions. It makes me feel like I've fallen back to where I was in college. It's been a blow to my pride, which definitely isn't helping me throw myself into the job search. 

That said, I am actually happier with my work teams right now. I finally feel valued.  Utilized. Seen.

So I don’t know what to do. I know I am capable of finding a marketing job like the one I just left.  But I've learned that I'm not capable of thriving in a stuffy office, where diversity of mind is seen as an obstacle in need of removing.

So we'll see. Change is in the cards (literally with my decks at home).  I'll keep you posted on where it goes (hopefully France).  I promise it'll be forward.