I used trauma productively

Hello loves.  As you probably know that this point, I wasn't originally dealt the best set of cards.
I have a slew of chronic illnesses and pain, and PTSD from being abused throughout my childhood. I left when I was 18, and have supported myself since.  I spend probably half my income on health-related needs, and even still, often have to choose often which expenses are more important to my survival.  And sadly, mental health often takes a backseat.
For this reason, it's been harder conquering my trauma.  As an artist, I've always heard "write what you know."  I attempted that a few years ago, and I had night terrors.  For this reason, I've also shied away from "using it" as an actor.

Which is contradictory with who I am.  I am very vocal about what I face; it's part of why I still have this blog.  I had to hide my experiences for so long, that there is something very liberating in sharing it as factually as stating that my hair is currently pink.  I own my story, it doesn't own me.  And if my honesty can inspire others or at least help them not feel alone, then I see it as worth it.

...so I tried again.  Sprinkling some of it into my art.

I've gotten better at identifying and avoiding triggering situations, and as a result am better at believing that I am safe.  That is the first rule that can't be broken.

With that secure, I used some of it in a monologue for an acting class I've been taking.  I thought back into my attempts in college and I still didn't know what safety was.  Going into those depths was terrifying.  It isn't as much now.  Perhaps I was scared then from the reality that had wounded me, and perhaps I am scared now of the power that survival has given me.  The power and the rage.
Anyway, I'll work on that in therapy when I can afford it again, but the sprinkles were a great flavoring to the piece.

The other use was really quite fun.  I'm back in Improv at UCB, and I used my knowledge of trauma and trauma words in a scene.  Of course it happened organically, obviously I'm an improv expert, but I was able to call upon it for a character.  It was silly and exaggerated and rooted in something that didn't seem like a traumatic experience for everyone.  But something about my honesty in portraying it made the absurd situation more believable.  And there wasn't a single part of me that felt like I was tapping into something unsafe.  I just was able to bring that honesty to the character.

I'm proud of myself, and excited to continue this journey.  I always say I want to make art that gives people hope in being alive, and being able to share what helps me get there is a step closer to the artist I want to become.