When It Hurts

I am scared. 

I am scared and I am weak. 

I want nothing more than to have someone’s arms around me, someone to hold me when I cry. 

I was surrounded by others in the hospital and yes it was harder in theory then 

but emotionally it’s just as tough now, yet now I am alone.

I still want to be held when I’m afraid,

I want to know I’m not facing this by myself. 

But I feel like I am. 

I watch TV shows where people have their families, 

There to protect them even just by them knowing they’ll never be on their own.

But I am on my own. 

I am crying and there is no one to hold me. 

I know others are there and love and care  

        but always from afar 

It seems that no matter how close I move to them  

        it’s still always me when the tears fall
No matter whom I text or meet or love.  

       it’s always just me. 

All I want is to be in someone’s arms. 

Gently hearing their heart beat against me as I cry, feeling their breath all around me, like a little safe bubble, guarding me as I weep. 

And it’s when I can remember their heart, remember the feeling of the heat coming off on their skin onto mine….that’s when texts or hearing their voice isn’t enough. 

Separated from their embrace, even a loving voice can sting;

(As is most often the case with the those I most want to hold.) 

So tonight I am scared. My treatment failed and I am devastated. Heartbroken.

But no one can come. So I am weak and alone, 

As I try to hold myself as I cry.