Heather's Guide to the Colonoscopy:

What to do when you want to fu*k up your intestines:

What you'll need:

• 1 kit: There are a bunch of these colonoscopy preps and they all have different instructions; read yours closely, and don't worry: all of them suck.  Some involve chugging a gallon of the stuff in one lengthy sitting (this is the cheapest kind), whereas some just have you drink 16 ounces the night before and the morning of.  Whichever you have, come up with a reason why you're lucky to have this one and not the alternative.  I like getting citrus ones, but you're likely not going to have a flavor choice.  Again come up with a reason why your flavor doesn't suck as much as the alternative.
• Gatorade: get more than these than you think.  It's a chance to try new flavors or to bask in the comfort of your favorites (just make sure none are red or purple).  You're gonna need those electrolytes once things get going.  Have at least three on hand.  
• A special drink but not your favorite: have this nearby as a happy alternative to your gross potion.  Have it as a chaser for when you chug the gross stuff.  It will distract you from the aftertaste of the potion.  Buuut just in case some sneaks in, make sure to have your second-favorite drink.  (You don't want the associations of the gross to ruin your favorite drink.)
• The softest toilet paper you can find: treat your bum like it's royalty.  This is it's night to shine and it deserves only the best.  
• Wet wipes for your bum (at least two packages): preferably ones with aloe in them.  It's cooling and healing, and after things get going, even the softest toilet paper will feel like sandpaper.  Again, you want lots of options because you definitely won't be going out to get them anytime soon.
• Comfy clothes: Things that make you feel great, but not ones that you love-love, as you very well might throw up in these clothes.  I'd also recommend tank top with a blanket nearby, rather than a constraining long sleeved shirt.  But you do comfy you.  Oh!  Also make sure you feel comfortable throwing out your undies.
• Heating Pads are always welcome.  Always.
• Activities: have as many as possible.  Examples include: a coloring book, fancy new nail polish, face masks, Mad Libs, a TV show you're usually too embarrassed to watch, trashy magazines -- this is your opportunity to spoil yourself!  This sucks and is awful.  You've been feeling like crap and responsibly telling your doctor about it, and so now they're making you volunteer to make your body explode from both ends, all for a crummy procedure you'd prefer not to do anyway.....the least you can do is let yourself take the day off and treat yourself to something wonderful that you normally wouldn't let yourself have.  
• After Procedure Treat: I know you're hungry.  I know you haven't eaten in a day.  But then again, you know that I've gone two weeks without anything in my stomach, having nutrition pumped into my bloodstream through a tube in my arm.  So when I say you can make it through the next twelve hours, you better believe it.  And in the meantime, be excited that you have a little package of Hostess powdered donuts in your purse for when you wake up after tomorrow's procedure.  The hardest part of hunger is not knowing when you will eat next, and you do.  It's going to be okay.

And lastly some Rules:

The "Kool Aid"

1. Don't mix it with anything. You'll never be able to unassociate the taste of mixer with the taste of this grossness.
2. Chug it.  Yup. Why would you want to take twenty sips with twenty aftertastes when you can deal with it only once?  But don't chug it like water after going for a run for the first time in two years....think of it like alcohol.  If you chug too fast, you very well might throw up....because yup, you might.  So chug with big sips, not gulps, and power through.
3. Again, use that chaser.  I've done this so many times that I'm not going to defend myself.  I'm right.  Trust me.
4. Once you start, I'd say you have about 15-25 minutes before you feel it start to work.  Take this time to get comfy: situate those pillows, grab that heating pad, and queue up the Netflix because you won't be leaving the house again until morning.

The Procedure

1. Honestly, hon, this is the easy part.  You've done your job, this is when the doctor does theirs.  Making it to the colonoscopy is the tough end to this, and you've done it so well.  So relax.
2. Wiggle your toes when they put in your IV.  It gets your blood pumping and distracts you.
3. If you feel comfortable with your doctor, ask if they can use some lidocaine to numb the vein first.  It pinches a bit, but makes the process smoother.
4. IVs suck, they just do.  They always tell me that I can move my arm because I so noticeably hold it stiff and away from me like it's no longer my limb and instead a alien appendage that's attached itself to me.  It'll be out soon.  At least you're not keeping the IV in for a week.
5. Aaanndd relax.  They may even give you a "cocktail" to help you relax.  Also think about it.  You're laying down with a pillow, in front of a bunch of strangers, about to take a nap in front of them, and that's socially acceptable.  How cool is that?  I wish whenever we have a store meeting at work that I could lay down in the center of the room and nap in front of everyone.  That'd be awesome!  Alas that's not the case but this is.
6. Lastly, countdown from ten and think about those donuts.