I am healing :)

Hello my sweets.

So I’ll update you a bit on my healing.  I feel confident enough to say the word “healing” this time, too.  When they discharged me from my first hospital trip, it felt like all they did was give me a handful of narcotics and wish me luck through the Thanksgiving holiday.  Fast-forward a few days into that week, and with every bite of food, I was curled up in a ball of pain, sweating and shaking and making sounds like a animal trapped in a cage.  Later into on that week, it digressed further, towards me feeling like that constantly, not just with bites of food.  So that was not “healing.”  Thus me heading back to the hospital and staying for another ten days.

But, here we are this time, five days past my second discharge, and I have yet to decline into that pained state.  I am on new medications for my Crohn’s and for my fibromyalgia, the latter of which some doctors attributed to my extreme pain.  So that’s better.  There are more answers.

I did, however, come home to an eviction, though.  Which is just “wonderful.”   I live in a building without the proper housing permits, so without lots of monies for lawyers, it’s not worth fighting the landlord that simply decided she wants the room back, despite my lease.  She also evicted me while knowing I was in the hospital.  It’s strange to see people that had been kind, show their true colors.  Like a wolf turning from a pup into a snarling beast.  It is horrible to know people like that.

So I need to get out of here…. plus losing the feeling of control over my space has been triggering both my PTSD and my fibromyalgia, so it will be healthier for me to move….now it’s just finding where…and how…when I can’t even get up a flight of stairs without help.

Basically there is a LOT on my plate; but I am getting better.  And I can only take things one day at a time.  And the other morning, when I woke up into the sunshine of a new day, and put on a cozy shirt and I looked at myself in the mirror, I saw no IVs, and had fewer bruises; there were no hospital sounds or doctors in sight.  It was just me.  Healthy and smiling.

And my friends, I saw myself as the person I want to be; who I want to grow into.  So as scary as all of this is, I saw a glimpse of the future; and this whole transition is guiding me towards exactly the person I want to become.  And that to me sounds like healing :)